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compare & contrast.

so i caved in & started a tumblr. i actually kind of like it, the simple interface, the customization, the ability to upload mp3s. it's awesome. yet for some reason, i'm more comfortable with LJ. i guess it's the familiarity, the nostalgic feeling of emo blogs & pointless rambles. on tumblr, i feel more sophisticated but i don't always have much to say.


i got my first acceptance letter to a little college in PA called westminster. it's like my sixth choice but it's exciting nonetheless. they want to give me $14000 a year in scholarship money & that's about 1/3 of the total cost of going there. but like i said, it's not my number one. i'm scared that i won't get into at least one of my top five & i'll have to settle for the rest of my top 10. i don't want to; i want to have enough faith that i'll make it into the college i think i deserve.

midterms are this week & i couldn't be more excited. i won't even be at school half the time. [thanks block scheduling!] it'd be better if i could drive though. *shrug* i have what i have & that's enough for me.


so this is the new year.

 i got a webcam for christmas & i'm still trying to figure it all out. sometimes the sound doesn't sync up but i'm doing the best i can with this thing. i might take it in to geek sqaud this weekend. anyways, this is my first vlog. enjoy it or don't, whatever. [i took it yesterday but i just uploaded it today.]

top ten albums of 2008.

finally, it's here! my list of the ten best from 2008. enjoy:

10] ’only by the night’- kings of leon.

tracks to download: 'crawl', 'use somebody', 'be somebody', 'i want you'

9] ’the bake sale’- the cool kids.

tracks to download: 'mikey rocks', 'what it is', 'black mags', '88'

8] ’santogold’- santogold.

tracks to download: 'l.e.s. artistes', 'creator', 'shove it', & 'you'll find a way'

7] ’you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into’- does it offend you, yeah?

tracks to download: 'we are rockstars', 'dawn of the dead', 'let's make out', 'epic last song'

6] ’bring me your love’- city & colour.

tracks to download: 'the death of me', 'what makes a man?', 'sleeping sickness', 'sensible heart'

5] ’fleet foxes’- fleet foxes.

tracks to download: 'white winter hymnal', 'sun it rises', 'oliver james', 'blue ridge mountains'

4] ’attack & release’- the black keys.

tracks to download: 'pyschotic girl', 'stange times', 'remember when (side B)', 'oceans & steams'

3] ’for emma, forever ago’- bon iver.

tracks to download: 'skinny love', 'the wolves (act I & II)', 'blindsided', 're: stacks'

2] ’dear science’- tv on the radio.

tracks to download: 'golden age', 'DLZ', 'love dog', 'dancing choose'

1] ’censored colors’- portugal. the man.

tracks to download: 'lay me back down', 'created', 'out & in & in & out', 'all mine'

all i want this year...

it's been a while, i haven't really been inspired to write anything because i don't feel that i have anything interesting to say, just looking forward to the new year. it's not that i need a fresh start, or maybe i do; i've gotten so sick of everything & it scares me a little. there are about 10 people that i truly care about right now & i'm content with that. my fourth biggest fear is becoming a nihilist but i know that i care too much about things that really matter to me. having a centralized ideal about my life is probably the best thing to happen to me in 2008.

this year, i realized that so many people waste energy on things they can't control or have no business worrying about. letting life happen & just living is my philosophy; i don't have time to expel effort on something i know isn't worth it. sometimes i wish i cared more but i just can't bring myself to do anything about it. i don't feel that it's necessary to validate myself through other people's opinions of me.

it's almost 2009, i hope i'll be a better person, probably not. i want to be a better person to my friends. [god knows they deserve more than me] i want to get myself together & get into college & get out of this neighborhood, this town, this state. i can finally admit that do need a new beginning, something to focus on & obsess about instead of feeling empty all the time, like i'm missing out on something bigger than what's here.

anyways! i don't want to end on a downer so happy holidays to everyone. enjoy it & stay sane & here's to 2009!

doing it right.

what are we doing here? what is our purpose? how do we cope with everyday pain?

i've been thinking about this a lot. i want to know [if there is a god] why he or she or it would put us here only for us to destroy ourselves. maybe life really is just a game for that higher being like they're playing marbles with the universe. or maybe our purpose is to figure out that we have to cope with all the bad things that happen in life. we can't focus all our attention on the negative because we'll kill ourselves with worry & a feeling of insignificance, although we are insignificant in the big scheme of things but that's neither here or there.

another thing i was thinking about were the seven deadly sins: greed, sloth, lust, gluttony, wrath, envy & vanity. we talked about them in english & i though it was interesting taht these things which were once considered to be a cause for jail & eventual capital punishment have been tossed aside. everyone has these feelings at least once in their life & i feel as long as they don't interfere with your daily life, they're natural. no one should be ashamed for having feelings; without them, we'd be soulless blobs, wandering the planet looking for some sort of substanence. aside from the fact that i think we do that anyways, [i.e.- looking to fill the void left by trying to find out our purpose] everything that makes us human is essential to our lives: breathing, apposable thumbs, feeling, a prefrontal cortex.

i believe our purpose is to live our lives the best we can. that's all we can do it make it out alive because other people's judgments should mean nothing to us; as long as we can individually love & accept ourselves, we don't need anyone else's approval.


the light.

i'm getting less sleep at night but it's worth it.

i'm buggin' out about everything from school to social life to my lack of romance. i just don't have time for anything or anyone anymore nor do i want to bore people with my BS. it was getting to the point where i just wanted to be left alone for days on end but i'm glad it's going away. i'm proud of myself for trying to hang out with people i actually like & drifting away from the people i want nothing to do with. i don't think i should be wasting my time on relationships that i know will never amount to anything or neither party with gain something from. i'm not saying i want friends who'll buy me things or give me a status, that's actually the last thing i want. the company i keep now are real, honest, funny people that i want to keep in my life for a long period of time. i don't want fake friends cause i don't have time for it; i need people who will be there for me just like i want & always will do for them. i love being that logical voice of reason that people can lean on & tell things to. i guess it gives me a sense of validation in my existence somehow, like helping people & listening to their problems makes up who i am as a human. it sounds kind of funny typing it or even thinking about it but that may be my purpose. i hope i'm right.
so i was going to write about the anatomy of the tragic negro in the next part of my "case study" [of course this has no real basis, it's just my observations] but in light of barack obama's presidential victory, i feel the need to write about the importance of being better people. i'm not going to BS; black people are crazy. & now that we've got a bi-racial man who's going to be sworn in to one of the most important positions in the world, it's time we got ourselves together. here are a few simple steps:

please my people, let's not let the fryer at popeye's hold us back. yeah, it's a job & someone's gotta do it but no one actually wants to retires as head sous chef for wendys at 68. go to school, get your high school diploma or a GED & do something with your life. we have options other than stripping, working in retail or being a sports star. only 1 in 5 negros actually makes it; do YOU have a back-up plan?!

is it hilarious? yes. is it entertainment? depends on what you define good taste as. there's no reason to put all your business out there. sure, it's funny but it's still really sad when you think about it. so you're on tv. do you really think you're going to be famous or noticed because of it. "yeah, there goes that dumb MF who went on 'judge hatchett' to prove that that third guy she was sleeping with was her baby's daddy." "was he?" "naw, girl." that's a shame.

3] VOTE!
now this one's just obvious. if you don't like the state of the world, go register & vote! hate the law that just passed in your state? vote. mad about the rising prices of chitlins & black eyed peas? vote. mad your checking balance is getting smaller & smaller even though you keep putting in money & you know you only bought three outfits at the mall this month? vote! if you complain & you didn't vote, SIT DOWN & SHUT UP!


now it's one thing to make fun of people [we all do it & it's great.] but when you go out of your way to talk bad about someone, then you need to take a chill. black people are always going around starting some stuff with one another & for what? how is it furthering your life? just because he has something or she's dating the boy you like is that any reason to talk about them like they're beneath you somehow? get over it & move on with your life. there's so many other things to worry about that are going on in your own life than to be all up in other people's business. grow up & stop all this petty fighting. if we can't build each other up & love one another as black people then how can we expect other people to love us as a whole? we can't.

so next time, i promise i'll do the anatomy of a tragic negro but it's really important that we at least get one of these things together before the end of obama's term. if not, i have no hope left for my people.

a longing.

lately, i've been feeling pretty empty. i'm not sure if it's my seasonal affective disorder or the stress from college but it's happening at an alarming rate. i'm 99.5% sure it's because i'm single. don't get me wrong, i love being single & being able to do whatever i want but i'm starting to want something more.

i want someone to cuddle with.
a video game & movie nerd to dish about obscure stuff with.
someone who'll do cute little things like put a note on my locker or wall post on facebook.
someone who'll let me pick their nose & who'll embrace my incessant burping.
someone to make me laugh.
someone to laugh with me when we watch dumb people on 'cheaters' & 'cops.'
a blogger with sweet posts, not just what they ate for lunch.
a music nerd to go CD diving with.
i just want someone to be there for me.

i know it's an unreasonable thing to ask for, seeing as i'll be going to college by this time next year. i do want somehting serious. i know it won't happen for a long time. no one really want to committ nowdays & that sucks. everyone has alterior motives for doing almost everything. i'm sick of fake people, people who only see the physical & want nothing to do with the mental or emotional. where are all the real people? where are the ones who truly want something meaningful out of life? or am i alone in these thoughts? maybe i am. maybe i'm asking for too much. maybe i'm just not good enough.

2 days until election day.

i will start again.

i think i'm finally over darren. i finally told him everything i was feeling towards him & was met with a tepid response. it's pretty apparent that he likes me but he's just so passive-aggressive about it. i refuse to tolerate it & i've moved on to a cuter guy named madrid who's in my government class. he's really funny, insanely good-looking & we've been flirting a lot for a couple weeks now. it's just a matter of finding the right time to talk to him. i did meet a nice guy at my SAT a few weeks ago named trey but i haven't had the time to call him but i think i'm more worried that he gave me a phony phone number & i don't want to get egg on my face by calling it. but it is what it is; i think i'll call monday, just to make sure he doesn't completely forget who i am. [i hope i waited the right amount of time before calling, ha!]

i've been doing a lot of college stuff lately, on top of school work & yearbook. it's overwhelming sometimes but i think i've gotten a pretty good balance. i just need to narrow down my top choices & get some scholarships in if my test scores don't come back in time.

well, one friend of mine has been getting on my absolute last nerve. she's a cool chick & all but she's just so clingy & i want to tell her off but i don't have the heart. she lost a really good friend due to some stupid, drunken choices & i think she needs someone in her corner but i just can't take her anymore! i've been passively avoiding her at all costs but it's just so hard since we have three straight periods together. i have no idea what to do but i need to either ditch her or set her straight before i blow up, which is the last thing i want to do. i want nothing more to do with juvenile, high school drama; i feel like i've above it at this point in my life.

19 days until election day.

trying to find a balance.

not much to update on really. i'm very frustrated with things right now. life was really decent but tuesday put my vibes outta wack. i remembered how much i don't like people at my school sometimes & how despicable the human soul can truly be. i knew i shouldn't have but i let someone get to be & disrupt my energy flow. i told him off but it didn't make me feel any better. i think i just felt hectic & pressured by some unknown force, or rather, my subconscious. i really wanted to get back into my zone so i meditated yesterday morning & i felt a bit better. yesterday wasn't that great either; i really just wanted to be left alone but everyone was in my face about something or the other. apathetic is how i'm feeling right now but you can't spell that without pathetic. i really want to change how i'm feeling & i think this weekend will be the best time for me to contain all this frustration & return to my easy-going nature. i have to remember to not let people's negative vibes interfer with mine; if i do, my whole being becomes shifted & jaded like i used to be & i don't want to go back to that. i like who i am [for the most part] now & i don't want to go back to feeling sorry for myself & the struggles i've had to deal with in my past. i want to move on. i want to live.

26 days until election day.